From Dawn Till Dusk

I was browsing through some old posts of Bikoy, a Philippine Blog Award nominee for the Personal Blog Category, late in the evening yesterday, when the sudden thought of me going back to school came into mind. Bikoy, an incoming college senior (I guess, based on his profile in the Blog) taking up BA Film and Audio-Visual Communication at the University of the Philippines, has several photos (and must I say they were artistically taken) of some familiar corners in the school that made me reminisce the nerve-wracking but nevertheless wonderful and fulfilling memories of schooling.

When I saw the photos, I can’t help but recall that time in my life when I often go on an undertime in the Office only to rush through the battles of traffic in EDSA (there was no MRT yet at that time) and hopefully make it on time for my 5PM class where our Teacher unfortunately, was notoriously known as one of the terrors in the College. Undertime was the mildest form of tardiness I had years back then (and my Boss was very much thankful of that) because the most horrible and worst of all were for me either taking half-day or vacation leave from work just to go the school libraries for research works on class reports and project papers. Going overnights for group projects especially were likewise of no exception since most Teachers then were strict when it comes to submission on deadlines.

It was much of an inconvenience for me and mostly of my classmates in the Masteral actually, who, like me, are also working full-time. But even as we were very well aware of the hassles and difficulties of juggling both career and studies, my co-MA classmates persevered to continue with our schooling because it was through learning that we found true happiness and contentment. And Jun, being the most supportive of the paths I dreamed to pursue, never got tired of encouraging me (especially when I feel down for subjects I need catch up with my grades in order to pass) to continue on with my studies, even at that time, we are just newly-married and still adjusting.

Jun’s words of encouragement were mainly part of the reasons I decided to continue “nurturing” myself through higher learning and reach my goal of finishing my MA. So no matter how tiring and “suicidal” it was, I thankfully made it through almost the finish line—meaning, I was able to earn all the required academic and elective units and successfully passed the toxic-like Comprehensive Exam. Writing the Thesis, which was supposedly the last but the most important of all the requirements though, suddenly took a back seat the moment Jun and I decided to have a child already.

So fast forward to 2004 up to present, we were blessed with a Nicolas in our lives, who have been the center of all our love and attention, thus finishing school, as well as our individual concerns were classified as low-priority. Having Nico definitely was the most completing as I’ve reiterated in this post. Get my point or not convinced yet? Hmm, let’s just say I am indeed a Mom, a distinction I carry with the utmost pride and satisfaction. However. …

At some point in my mommyhood, still came that desire to pursue a long lost a dream—to finally earn an MA degree that is. It would be easy to say, “Ok then, go back to school” when at the back of my mind, I’d anticipate it will not be that easy. First, with my five-year timeline for the MA program already lapsed, so I need to re-take some penalty subjects before I can finally write my Thesis. And second (which I thought was the more important reason), was my inferiority over the thought that my brain is already rusting, making me think, “How in the world would I be able to wrap my weary brain around a textbook when all I’d been reading for the past three years and one month was The Mother’s Guide to Childcare?” Many times I sat down at the computer to construct an essay on the different Mass Communication Theories there is in Littlejohn (our own version of the “bible” in the UP College of Mass Communication) while my motherhood sense of self now is used to reading Nico with Goodnight Moon, Pinnochio, and all the nursery and fairy tale books there is, before retiring at night.

But on the other thought, I was certain that God had led me down this road and would carry me through my continuing journey to both motherhood and beyond. A reading in Proverbs 31 of the Bible serves as my inspiration:

“A virtuous woman is one who directly cares for her family (v.15), but she is also one who enjoys using her gifts outside the home (v. 16, 18, 20, 24). And get this, her hubby and kids think she’s pretty awesome (v. 28). Scripture makes room for a woman to get out there and exercise her God-given gifts, not just those that find their expression in motherhood.”

I know I will still love and be satisfied to discourse on some non-baby-related topics over dinner. As my appreciation for my husband and my son grew deeper and deeper each and everyday, the reality of life beyond being a wife and mother I know, will renew my energies and my creativity. I know my entire family will reap the benefits of me keeping something for myself.

So now, I’m seriously pondering about getting back to school. If my schedule would permit it, hopefully I could file as a returning student by school year 2008-2009, or by the second semester of the coming school year. I haven’t talked to Jun (who is my all-time confidant and best friend) about this plan yet, but definitely, I know he will be the most happy for me, just as he was happy for me when I recently bought myself a Laptop which I have the privilege to solely use to fully fulfill my passion—writing and journaling.

Others (such as my Mom, who recently learned about my purchase of the Laptop and my plan to go back to school), may view these moves as something “luxury” already. With all due respect to her, I will never argue. But nevertheless, I know within myself the Laptop and going back to school are not luxuries at all. It’s essential to remember that my longing for time to myself is part of who God created me to be. It’s part of developing my own interests and growing into a more fulfilled individual, and therefore a happier Mom. And it serves as a healthy reminder to my family that Moms are not Moms alone—we also have our own distinct identity.

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“We often say that a mother can sometimes feel like a juice box; everyone around her is sticking straws into her and sucking away until she is sucked dry. Too often we allow others unlimited access to our “juice box,” believing that it’s kinder, more loving, and even more God-like to always put others before ourselves. Jesus commands us to love our neighbor as ourselves, not instead of ourselves. You have to love yourself in order to stay filled up with love for others. It’s how you make sure you have enough of yourself on hand to give to your family.” –Mothers of Preschoolers