From Dawn Till Dusk

(Originally posted in the MomExchange–A Blog For And By Moms, as my March entry.)

Foreword: Sorry for a very long post, can’t help but reminisce my pregnancy chronicles most especially now that my Little Nico is about to turn 3 on 01 April 2007, which will be a few days from now. Happy Birthday Son! Mommy loves you so much.

True is the saying “nothing could complete a woman’s life until she becomes a mother”. Together with all the Moms in this world, I too was a living testimonial.

Before He Came
All three years of our married life, Jun and I had on-and-off plans to have a child. For one, we were busy traversing our paths in the corporate world as we were both career-oriented then. Second, having a child right after marriage was not really a serious decision as we had wanted to be financially stable first, have our own house built before hand, and buy a new car if possible, before finally entering into a momentous responsibility. We thought at first that acquiring such assets would already suffice and complete us but then, we proved ourselves wrong.

In one way or another, I can say that Jun and I were able to attain our three main goals. With much perseverance, aggressiveness and support for one another, we were equally fulfilled in our respective careers during the first year of our marriage. And by the time that we celebrated our second anniversary, we had our home built already and even acquired a car. Sure, we should be happy and contented for reaching such milestones early on. Emptiness and discontentment however hounded us as we moved on to our third year of togetherness so we’ve decided to already have a baby.

But our journey to parenthood was never easy and God, in his most mysterious ways, taught us a very important lesson. At the time that we already wished to have a baby, I failed conceiving after trying and trying for almost a year via the natural way. Those months were the loneliest and life was meaningless. Yes, we’ve got a house but we preferred to stay out of its gloomy atmosphere. We spent months wasting/killing our time in the Mall and go on an out-of-town trips on weekend. It even came to a point wherein Jun and I separated itineraries on weekends. He would spend a weekend with his family while I do the same with my family. Good thing that my sister just gave birth to an adorable baby girl that at least, even at just weekends, I had a baby to pay attention to. Somewhere through those months, Jun and I realized we had to work it out to finally have a child. Through our respective company HMOs, we decided to undergo a fertility workup. Jun had his semen analysis while I had countless trans-v ultrasound and follicle monitoring. After months of observation, it turned out that Jun was biologically capable and I was not, after being diagnosed to have recurring polycystic ovaries and irregular menstrual cycles. I almost lost hope but Jun’s encouragement and support helped me to go on and look at the positive side of life. He never made me feel insecure.

From taking hormonal meds, to counting menstrual cycles, and to buying countless pregnancy tests, the good news finally came into timing. On 03 September, while I assumed that the prolonged tenderness of the breasts that I am feeling was a just symptom that I will be having my monthly period, my unscheduled visit to my OB-Gyne, whose an expert in infertility cases, confirmed through a urine test that I am finally pregnant. It was the most wonderful feeling ever. But I was reserved in rejoicing as I doubt the result of the lab test as I heard of its inaccuracy sometimes. My OB-Gyne said I needed to undergo a trans-v ultrasound to confirm the presence of the sac in my womb and to check for some early pregnancy complications. Nevertheless she prescribed me meds to take and I excitedly bought them in a drug store on my way home.

I’m supposed to keep the good news a secret to Jun until 05 September, which happens to be his 30th birthday. But I guess my excitement was too obvious that when I got home, after having dinner together with Jun (with whom I was surprised as this was not the usual case as I normally was the first to be home after work), I skipped watching TV and preferred to stay inside our room, staring again and again at that “positive” remark on the piece of paper from the Hospital Lab. Jun noticed this unusual behavior of me that he followed me in our room and caught me looking at the piece of paper. So I handed him the paper. He looked at the paper as if there was so much to read in it when in fact, it only contained the kit with the two stripes and stated a few things. Then I saw tears ready to fall from his eyes. I turned my back because I wanted to avoid any dramatic moment. But we ended up crying and comforting one another as we were both overwhelmed with the wonderful blessing that God gave us. And indeed on 05 September, exactly the date of Jun’s natal day, our doctor confirmed the presence of that pea-sized human being inside my tummy bound to be cuddled in our arms on 06 May 2004. A perfect birthday gift it was.

A tragic first trimester
The first trimester of my pregnancy was a time filled with excitement and celebration. But it was also be a period of difficult changes, both physical and emotional. From morning sickness to mood swings, my first trimester was unlike any other. My doctor told us before hand, of my likely high-risk pregnancy, but she assured me that I can still work given the proper meds and necessary precautions taken. Unlike normal pregnancies, I was required to be checked every other week just to make sure the baby’s rightly positioned (not likely ectopic as my doctor earlier suspected), thus avoiding a threatened abortion. I tried my very best to still go to work even with all-day sickness and unpleasant throwing ups. However, it came to a point that my doctor said that I am too dehydrated due to excessive vomiting and nausea and required me to take complete bed rest citing Hyperemesis Gravidarium. I took an indefinitely leave from work with no assurance from the organization where I work when I’ll be coming back. Good thing, my boss and colleagues were supportive enough that I didn’t have a hard time turning over what work I left pending.

My bed rest was terribly tragic. It came to a point I needed to be wheel chaired just to go to the bathroom to bathe and pee so as to avoid spottings of fresh blood. Pooping was another problem as I experienced constipation during my first trimester. I was scared to push as I thought I might be pushing the baby (what a weird thought!) and fibrous papaya and pineapple were of no help to me as I throw them up most of the time. I hardly ate solids too, and if I do, like fruits, I throwed them up too to a point that my mess clogged our kitchen and bathroom sinks. Jun was diligent enough in cleaning them even at most of the time, I was moody and masungit towards him. The only nutrients that kept my baby intact were supplements and meds which, much as I want to take orally, I couldn’t. The multivitamins and the hormones had to be injected intravenously and Jun, though scared at first, became my instant nurse, measuring the vials into syringe then nervously injecting the needle to my bare skin. It was tragic really and I pity Jun for going through those difficulties all by himself because we were living independently far away from our families.

By November, Jun and I mutually decided that I be brought to my parents home where at least my sister could look up to me while he’s at work. It was a sacrifice for both us as we needed to pack our things and Jun needed to wake up early (as in 4AM) just to avoid the traffic rush and travel kilometers away from our province to Makati everyday. Along our temporary stay in my parents home, Jun and I sacrificed being far away from one another as demands from his work required him to work long hours. Thankfully, my Dad was always available to accompany me for my checkups. At those times that Jun wished to be with me, comforting me as I go through this critical stage, we had no choice but to only see each other twice a week (every Wednesday and weekends only). This circumstance deprived the pregnant me of my crazy cravings like smelling Jun’s armpits and pitching his nose while he sleeps (kinda weird, I don’t know why I want to do those).

A photo taken when I was at my 20th week.

Blissful pregnancy in the 4th to the 7th month
We returned in our real home barely a week before Christmas confidently knowing that my baby was already stable in my womb and my appetite for food came back. The second trimester was the most blissful times. Jun and I surprisingly witnessed my belly growing day by day, feeling the baby’s kicks and fetal movements. It was the most exciting that I became too addicted in shopping for maternity clothes as I prepare to going back to work come January. The feeling is so overwhelming that until now, I missed the special treatment that people used to give me. I will never forget how courteous people are in the workplace who always reminded me to rest and relax at the height of my busiest and stressing days at work. They’d often offer to buy me food for lunch and afternoon meriendas especially the crunchy fritters and turon from our canteen. On the road, no matter how speedy the vehicles were, the commuters would courteously stop as I cross the street like a penguin with my big belly. I was so pampered and spoiled. Jun didn’t mind at all doing the mundane tasks of cutting the nails on my feet and putting my socks on as I can’t barely reach my foot with a growing belly in the middle.

The most exciting part of the second trimester was the confirmation of the baby’s gender. Even if Jun wouldn’t talk about it with me, I knew he wanted a baby boy first. And God was indeed good, he granted our prayers. On my 20th week, it was confirmed we’re going to have a baby boy and thereafter, we thought for a nice name for our Little Angel. We’ve thought of naming him after Jun’s paternal grandfather Lolo Nicolas, in honor of his being a proxy parent to Jun at the time when my father-in law and his family was on a financial crisis.

Almost at the End of the Journey
Whew, we’re almost there! Only 12 more weeks until we can hold and cuddle and welcome our new bundle of joy into the family. I was then required by my doctor to do pay a visit every week so that we’re sure everything’s is fine with me and my baby. Those frequent visits became an avenue for me and my OB-Gyne to be closer to one another. Aside from being a health care provider, she was a friend whom I turned to vent my qualms and my fears on giving birth, reassuring that everything will turn out just fine. I remembered during my checkup on the first week of February, barely a week before Valentine’s Day, she even joked that Jun and I go out on a memorable date as she said that Valentine will hardly be the celebrated with much grand once we had a child (you know, she was right!).

We then planned for my birthing: what hospital will I give birth, how much would be the hospital bill, what would be the manner in birthing, will be it normal or CS, preparing for breastfeeding, among others.On at the heels that we’re having some financial difficulty (as our monthly amortizations for the housing loan we availed from the bank started plus we need to pay some debts from a hardware store and some construction suppliers), we fearlessly splurged for our Little Angel by initially commissioning a carpenter and painter to convert one of our vacant rooms in the house into a nursery with the white-blue-yellow country-styled nursery in a Pottery Barn Kids magazine as our inspiration. We also started shopping the essentials, with a checklist from various Baby sites as our guide. We had a bahala na attitude back then.

It was thrilling preparing for the coming of a human being that emanated from both us. But at the back of all these, I was so worried. I hardly slept well most of the time at the last phases of my third trimester. I would go the office with big eye bags and heavy heart as several credit card companies would harass me to pay my long overdue bills out of our purchases of tiles, paints and fixtures for our home. I told Jun if we can pay the credit card companies with the bit of savings we had (intended to be used for my anticipated birthing) but he didn’t agree as he said he won’t compromise anything for our son. The most worrying however was my thinking on whose going to help me and guide me in taking care of my baby. I’ve been reading and researching a lot on pregnancy, childbirth and baby care, but I knew those wouldn’t be enough as I have no actual experience. How I’d long that my Mom (who was working as a registered nurse in the US at that time) was with me at this momentous instance to constantly guide me. The worst thing that happened was, my maternal grandmother, whom I hold so dearly, died due to complications of broncho pneumonia. Mom decided to go home for her mother and that somehow eased my worries. Jun and the rest of my family never failed to comfort me, knowing it’ll not be good to feel depressed, but I took her death with much grief.

My grieving as well as my other concern of anxieties finally took toll on me. I wasn’t aware of it at the time it happened but during my post-delivery evaluation with my doctor, only then that realized I am already experiencing early labor pains and contractions on the evening of 31st March. I had a high tolerance on pain so even I am not feeling well, I still insisted going to work the following day, 01 April. I was still on my 32nd week then that while at office doing some writing stuff, I felt a hush of liquid in my undie and feel the need to pee so I went to the comfort room. To my surprise as I pee, I saw a huge rush of liquid and I thought it was just urine. I checked it again and saw there was already a bloody show. I calmed myself and somehow made no panic. I called Jun about it (thankfully, he was still in the Makati area), then we immediately rushed to the nearest hospital and the OB-Gyne on duty who made an internal exam on me confirmed my bag of water broke thereafter, I was forced to give birth. My doctor planned a normal delivery but after hours of waiting with my cervix still at 1cm, we’ve decided to go for an emergency Caesarian Section as my baby’s life was already compromised. And exactly at 7:28 PM of 01 April, so came the most precious gift in my life–my Baby Nicolas.

The Beginning of a New Life
The birth of my son of course, is another long story with us dealing with issues on prematurity, a 10-day stay of my baby in the Neonatal ICU, the hole in my son’s heart and everything else that goes with it.

But fast forward to where we are now, I am forever thankful to God the most, for the coming of a Nicolas into our lives. All the hardships and tribulations were all worth it. From a totally empty, gloomy, meaningless life before, I’d say that I’ve never been this contented, happy and complete. He is my love, my life, my everything. He completes me.