From Dawn Till Dusk

(originally posted in MomExchange–A Blog for and By Moms)

I cannot think of anything logical today. It’s only 1PM, but it seems the day is almost over for me. I am so tired and drained. I just came from an unexpected test of patience with my Little Angel Nico back at home. Now I am here, all alone in my working station, facing the monitor of my PC, typing in some concerns and sentiments that I wish to confess.

Actually, I have many things to do. I should have been in the office at 8AM, but with what happened at home, I was forced to go on a half day today just to settle important things with my son. Papers for review are piling up at my desk, vouchers to still be countersigned before it gets to my immediate boss, memos to be read and acted upon, accomplishment reports to finish and submit before the set deadline, and the gift cheques for the media that still needs to be listed down and labeled before they are distributed. I hope I would accomplish some of these tasks today, or better, be able to finish everything before the day ends. But with hard feelings I am keeping inside, my mind just won’t work properly. It’s like I am on air, floating, and my heart to burst in bits of pieces if I am not able to express these heartaches. At least, this word processor and keyboard cooperates well so that I may be able to communicate my thoughts.

I feel so depressed as if I am on a postpartum depression again. I feel so bad inside. It pains me so much to leave home with the thought in my conscience that my Little Angel is mad at me. The truth is: I just scolded and spanked Nico a while ago. I swear I don’t intend to hurt him but I had no other choice but to do so. He was on a meltdown, he just wouldn’t cooperate. All I wanted was for him to eat his breakfast properly, that’s all. But for reasons that up to now I am pondering, he refused to. I don’t know if there was something wrong with the food. I woke up early today and spent almost half an hour cooking the food. And as I tasted it, it’s good as the usual breakfast that I often cook for Nico. Nico’s breakfast for today is lugaw (porridge) with flakes of chicken and bits of hard-boiled egg. It’s a regular favorite of Nico and usually we haven’t encountered problems feeding him that, just now. For a start, I tried feeding him the lugaw (It’s usually me who feeds him his breakfast before I left for work, that, being the least I could do for him in the morning, as I will be away to him for almost 10 hours during working days). My first few attempts didn’t went well and so after about another 10 minutes of tricks and play just to let him eat, I failed. So I passed on the bowl of lugaw to her Yaya Ness for her to try feeding him. Yet, she failed. Nico’s Dada, who, at this hectic day, was in a hurry dressing up for work, took some time out just to encourage his son to eat his breakfast. But then and again, Nico’s authoritative Dada surrendered. I was so frustrated with the way Nico was acting up with his tantrums that I shouted out loud, so loud that I thought would be enough to force Nico to eat. Again, a failure. “Tater, tater (water, water)”, says my tricky Nico as he uses drinking water as an alibi to interrupt the feeding. When I gave in to the request, Nico has another excuse, “Mommy, weewee, weewee”, then taking me to the comfort room for him to pee though he doesn’t feel like emptying his bladder yet. I really lost my patience, and at that instance, even if it’s against my will, I spanked him, about three times I think. Nico’s Yaya (Nanny) offered to help on the fear that I might spank her alaga again, “Ate, ako na po”. But I refused the offer as I lost my temper already. To my madness, I asked the Yaya to go inside her room and Nico’s Dada to already leave home so that Nico can’t see anyone whom he can turn to for help. “Cool ka lang ha, don’t be too hard on Nico. Kung di lang talaga urgent ang meeting ko, I’ll help you out,” my husband Jun said before finally leaving home.

And so Nico and I were left alone in the living room, with the TV on. I turned off the TV and talk to him as if he was an adult. “Anak, kain ka na ha. Alam mo pag di ka kumain, magkakasakit ka. Dapat kumain ka para healthy ka. At saka dapat sa dinning table kumakain, hindi sa harap ng TV. Big boy ka na. Dapat nga kumakain ka na mag-isa”, I said and Nico was just looking. I am not sure if he understands. Apparently, the lugaw that was supposed to be fed for Nico, was soiled with tears and mucus from Nico’s crying so I prepared another set for him to eat. After 10 minutes or so, I invited Nico to the dinning area and we ate together. Thank God, we finished eating harmoniously. I gave him his water and sensing that he’s already in good mood, I took the opportunity to give him his multivitamins and ascorbic acid (because again, this is another ordeal when Nico is in tantrums). When we’re done, I asked Nico’s Yaya to come out of the room, “Yaya, labas ka na dyan sa room mo, tapos na kaming mag breakfast ni Nico. Tulungan mo na akong mag-toothbrush kay Nico bago maligo”. Then we headed on to the bathroom for toothbrush (again, this is another struggle for Mommy and Nico) and bathing ceremonials. At 8:30AM, Nico’s already contented lying on the sofa bed in the living room drinking his milk (note: he’s still drinking from a feeding bottle at that, not from a cup as 2 year olds should already do) so I took the opportunity to cook his lunch (tinolang manok) while the Yaya did a swift cleaning of the house. Come 11AM, as I am done with most of the chores and prepared myself for work, then I bid a temporary bye bye to my Baby. He hugged me and kissed me as if nothing terrible happened this morning. I said, “Anak, sorry kanina” but he never turned back as I closed the door.

On my way to the office, I kept on thinking about what happened. And now, here I am, in front of my PC, trying to appease myself with thoughts and emotions outpouring as I am currently writing, trying to analyze the situation. Oh how time really flies. Just yesterday Nico was still a Baby that everything I feed him, he would excitingly accept. Now, he’s really growing fast and already sensing in to some food preferences. Looks like he’s beginning to be a picky eater. Is this about the right time for me to infuse in the little magic science, of Heraclene? This medicine is a red capsule that supposedly stimulate appetite among Little Picky Eaters. The med also promotes growth in height as when mixed with milk and taken regularly, it stimulates secretion of protein in the body. I knew of this magic wonder when Nico’s Neotologist administered the medicine for 7 days when my Baby (at birth) was finally discharged after 10 days of confinement in the Hospital’s Incubator. I remember recommending this medicine to friends whose babies need to catch up within the normal values in height and weight. Oh but wait… Nico is within the normal values, in fact, he’s a little overweight (now at 20kilos++, 107cms). The wonder of science may temporarily help, but it should never take the responsibility for me to effort in some encouragement for Nico to eat. Perhaps too, I need to constantly stir up our food menu plus. Hmmm, baka nagsasawa na nga sya sa lugaw.

I know Nico is in the “Terrible Two” stage and as a parent, as a Mom, I have to understand, I have to be more patient. But there are just situations such as this that I can’t seem to extend patience and be so much more considerate. I love Nico and God knows I’d give everything—my life, just as to let him feel that. But with what I have done a while ago, am I showing that I truly love him? I remember Jun in one of our late night conversations saying that “whenever he’s confronted with the same situation and he feels like spanking Nico, he would always remember the time when we fought for the life of our son when he was born (Nico being born one month early of his due arrival, with complications of a respiratory distress syndrome and a hole in the heart, and, at that struggling for a life to live), then, he would stop for a while, then his patience and understanding of our Little One comes along”. And he’s right. It should be the first thing too that I should have remembered.Yes, there are a handful of books from famous authors that supposedly attempts to equip parents with great parenting techniques. In my regular browsing at Amazon on child rearing, the most great buy is The Pocket Parent, authored by Gail Reichlin and Caroline Winkler. Literally a pocket-size book of tried-and-true advice, common sense, parental wisdom, and sanity, the book is supposed to be a lifesaver for every parent of a 2-to-5-year-old. It begins with an overall view of the Pocket Parent approach to discipline. Based on unconditional love but firm limits, and aimed at keeping the child’s dignity and self-esteem intact, there are strategies in the book that include “I” statements, modeling, family meetings, and “one word” requests.

But more than books, really, I’d say that there is not even a single book in this world that would actually make parents raise better individuals. Becoming a parent was one of the most profound changes that I am currently experiencing in my journey to married life. Thankfully, Jun and I are a team in creating an approach to our new responsibilities, knowing that raising a child is a full-time, non-stop, 24/7 job. I am so blessed that we are both taking our time to really talk on how we are going to raise Nico so that he’ll grow up to be a better person—a God fearing one, an individual that’s rightful.

A somewhat guilty Mom that I am, I am once again confessing to God the way I did it when my Nico was in that instance of struggle on the April Fool’s Day of 2004 (Nico’s birthdate is 01 April 2004). That time when I didn’t have peace because I was concerned about everything bad that might happen to my Baby. In my despair, I cried to God through an honest prayer and immediately the Lord reminded me that Nico was a gift to us and that He cared even more of our son that we did.

Raising him up I know, will never be easy, never. The test of patience that I had today with my son is just one of the many growing pains. My concerns on proper childcare, health, his character as a growing person, his future schooling, everything—I know there are so much more. Now, I am releasing my son again in God’s hands, confidently knowing that He will raise him right and truly keep him safe. I am excerpting this powerful prayer from Stormie Omartian’s The Power of the Praying Parent: “Lord, my son Nico is my biggest care and I am releasing him into Your hands. Only You can raise him right and truly keep him safe. I will no longer strive to do it all by myself, but will enter into full partnership with You.”…

***

“Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” — Proverbs, 22:6