From Dawn Till Dusk

It’s almost midnight, and here I am still up, in front of the PC while contemplatively watching the two most important men in my life as they soundly sleep. I’m having a hard time getting asleep. I guess nalipasan na ako ng antok as my biological clock is programmed that I should have slept at around 9 to 9:30PM. Tempted to open the PC this late in the night, I opted to write a post for my Friendster account in a hope that this writing would soon lead me to a deep slumber.

An hour ago, my husband Jun and I just came from an advance celebration by the Rotary Club (University District Manila) of the Mooncake Festival at Emerald Hotel (yey, I brought home one of the grand prizes, an ampao inserted with a raffle stub for a brand new car and 500 pesos!) Yes, it was truly a miracle. I found myself tonight in the company of people (except for a few of them) whom I am not so much comfortable of mingling with. After the 2005 Rotary Party, it was just now again that I accompanied Jun in another Rotary function. A couple of days before tonight, Jun even kept on asking me if I was sure I will be going with him in the function. Though it was fine with him for me not to attend (as he already accepted the fact that I am always cold when it comes to supporting him on his Rotary endeavors), he says that “it was very unusual of me saying yes right away” when he invited me to that Rotary event.

Actually, that positive note that he gathered from me was one of my concrete gestures of indicating to him that I have triumphed adjusting to the inevitable changes in our married life. Yes, with constant prayers, guidance and wisdom from God, I can very well tell myself now that I have already accepted truly in my heart that my husband is into a sincere dedication and commitment in Rotary service and not even the most influential person this world (such as me? or his Dad or his bespren) can persuade him to withdraw from such affiliation. Before this acceptance though, it took our relationship in insurmountable leaps of challenges, tests and trials for several months that… I almost gave up, almost.

His involvement in Rotary service began in year 2002. A co-member of Jun in Opus Dei sponsored his membership in the Club. Though he didn’t consulted of this, I never hesitated allowing him to attend the Club’s weekly lunch meetings as well as the its activities (you know, the typical medical missions, clean up drive, donation of wheel chairs to charities and orphanages and among other Rotary stuff…). Even at that time we were very busy as we were at the heels of managing the construction of our home, it never came into my mind not to let him go in Rotary events. The following year, he was elected as Club Secretary then Director for Youth Service the year after that. He became busier and more involved. But nevertheless, my support was with him all the way. I even managed to regularly attend functions with him that requires the company of spouses (in Rotary they call it Rotary Anns). Maybe that was my way of returning back the favors that they have courteously extended to my husband for it is mostly because of his Rotary involvement that he successfully gathered significant business development prospects from Rotary members in favor of the company where he works for. Those businesses meant more income for our family and a booming career for my husband.

As months past by our very hectic schedules however, I began to notice we were struggling for quality time in the family as his activities in Rotary always gets in the way. This struggle worsened even when he broke the news to me (I was then 3 months pregnant with Nico) that he was elected as President of the Club for Rotary Year 2005-2006 (Rotary Clubs traditionally elect Officers one year in advance). Though he was not yet assuming the position the immediate year after, he was doubly active in Rotary as he reasoned that he is preparing for him term. There were a lot of times that I found myself the one adjusting just as so we can have quality time–attend the Sunday Service, at the very least. I was very envied, jealous with much of his time and attention and effort all at Rotary. I often asked him, “Why do we have to compete for time with them? It should be us that should be the first priority!”

When his term as President of the Club began in July 2005, I knew I should expect the worst. And the worst came, giving me heartaches and pains. Coming home at late nights (or early mornings even), Rotary activities the whole of Saturday (Sundays even), a week-long medical missions, or seminar, or workshops, or meetings, brainstorming sessions, fellowship with his Classmate Presidents, events in the District, out-of-town trips, among other things that I can’t bear. An instance also came (which I opted not to mention in this blog) forced me to have a heart of stone for his Rotary endeavors. That was my way of protest. He always requested me to be with him in Rotary events but I often rejected to go. I always remarked that, “I’d rather stay home and bond with Nico than join you in those activities”. Of course, he was hurt as I was hurt too as I uttered those words. But those were my only ways of showing how much I was hurt with the way things are going in our family. I knew he could have wanted that I’d be by his side at Rotary times, but he can’t demand a single effort from me as he knew that much that he is, I likewise demand him to make up for his shortcomings in the family.

But in fairness to my better half, even as we are not in good terms, he never failed to fulfill his responsibility as the main provider in the family. Aside from providing the basic necessities, he has always been a good provider to the family that we even enjoyed a bit luxury. But at times when he is not with us, especially on family days, I often ponder, what good is all the financial abundance that we have if it means sacrificing his time for the family? When Jun and I were still starting, we were very aggressive to work hard, earn more, be financially stable, buy things that we dreamt and desired for. But now that we enjoy financial stability, still, things didn’t seem alright.

Even as we have fights about his quality time for the family, still I took the initiative and offered that I write columns for him in Pintig, a gazette of the Rotary Club distributed in their weekly lunch meetings. I also offered help in writing the mid-term reports, accomplishment reports required of him in the District. As part of complying with the PR requirements in Rotary International, I likewise helped in the writing and placement of Rotary stories and articles in newspapers. Those were the only things I can contribute and it would be shameful not to help. His co-Rotarians knew I’m in the PR and media field and “hindi ko kasi matiis na hindi sya tulungan” when it comes to written Rotary documents. Those gestures of mine somehow appeased our cold war and somehow covered up as excuses for my absences in Rotary affairs. But doesn’t seem to suffice the whole situation we are in. We hardly had time to talk at these worsiest times of our lives. Yes, we live under one roof, but I don’t even know how his day was, what his itinerary was for the day/week, or did he even ask how my work was, how is Nico doing etc. etc. And sadly, these things went on without him noticing as he was very much occupied with Rotary.

My close friends whom I turn to vent my frustrations say I should be proud of my husband’s achievements and that instead of punishing my self with mga sama ng loob, what I could do is just to support him. As they say, “Behind a man’s success is a woman”. Who cares? I appreciate their concern for me, but then again I’d say its easier said and done. They aren’t in my shoes and they can’t seem to feel the hurt and pains, and the damages it has caused our family.

His term finally ended in July and he now had more time for us. Being the immediate Past President, he still have obligations but not as much hectic when he was still the President. We eventually reconciled (sometimes we’re okay, sometimes not) for our son’s sake but still it was never the same again. Perhaps because we just let those worsiest times of our lives passed us by without actually talking about it whole-heartedly. Sometimes, I often find my self in a deadma mode and try to civil to him only when Nico is around.

And so my pride remained and so his too. Until we wake up one morning and we were confronted with one situation that became the turning point and wake up call for us to realize things and make our marriage work for the better.

Jun was diagnosed with a heart disease, complaining of frequent heart pains, dizziness and headaches. It was not that worst but then I was so worried of his health condition that I personally took care of his appointments with the cardiologist, remind him of when to take his maintenance medicines, regularly text him to watch his diet during lunches with clients, monitor his blood pressure in the morning and evenings, and adjust our meals at home. After I accompanied him in one of his consultations with the cardio, Jun texted me saying thank you for all the things I’ve done for him lately related to his health. And I replied, “by all means, syempre magkasama tayo in sickness and in health di ba?” Late in the night at home after that consultation, we talked heart-to-heart, face-to-face, frankly and directly unburdening our shoulders with the pains and heartaches that we both kept for months. Then we prayed together to praise and thank God for letting us stand the test in our relationship. Yes, that heart disease of Jun was a blessing in disguise. It’s God’s way of teaching us another lesson in life. (Looks like God is teaching us lessons by revving up the family member’s health particularly related to heart problems/anomalies. A trying time in our life, I say one of the most, was when Nico was born prematurely, one month early of his scheduled delivery and was diagnosed to have a heart anomaly known as Patent Ductus Arteriosis or PDA, in layman’s term it meant he has a hole in the heart. And I’m proud to say that we surpassed that most trying time in our lives, putting our faith to a great deal of test).

There were many times I said (and he confessed to me too that he likewise thought the same), “My spouse has changed and isn’t the one I married”. But then again, Jun and I realized that change is inevitable in our relationship (just as the rising and the setting of the sun is). As a song goes “nothing is constant in this world but change”. It’s when changes don’t go our way (which is often) that we get disturbed. We realized that the love that we have for each other will never remain as is, it must (and necessarily) change, for the better or for the worse. And what will cause our love to fail will be, in great measure, is our ability to deal with the inevitable changes that will surely come our way. If our love grows and is long lasting, it is because we were able to successfully negotiate and adjust to many changes over the years. As for Rotary, I know it will be an important part of my husband’s life. And I’d say, I would be more understanding and supportive for his future undertakings related to this. After all, Rotary has played a significant part of our lives. I will always keep in my heart that it is with Rotary that we were able to arrive at an excellent pediatric cardiologist for our son. I will also forever remember that great party organized by Rotary in celebration of our second wedding anniversary in 2002. Four Rotarians are also our son’s godparents and it is with Rotary that we met some of our closest friends that have been constant companions in the most important occasions of our lives.

Many years are ahead of us, more tests, trials and challenges will surely come in the way of our relationship and I hope that together, we can deal and successfully triumph with such inevitable changes.